There’s a lot in my head, but it’s all jumbled. I have too many feels and I literally feel too much. Even my best favorist clothes feel, to quote Big Bang Theory, made of a wool / fire ant blend. Everything itches.
So I don’t want to waste your time and goodwill with a (at best) semi-coherent just rambling and whining about what a tough week it’s been.
But I promised the crisis counselor that I would blog out some emotions today. So as always with the vulture sign days, you are free to leave. I won’t be offended. I don’t particularly want to be around me either.
If you choose to stay, thank you for listening. I’d bake you scones or asiago bread or something to make it up to you if I knew who are and where you live.
Anyway. Back to the story.
The tire had a nail or screw in it. The mechanic couldn’t say which because the item had already escaped. The tire is patched.
I missed 3.5 hours of a 9-hour day. The lesson I learned is: better to just miss the whole day even tho you know that leaves the desk short-handed at close. Because you’ve already ruined everything— and will be accused of such — the minute you walk in the door. And if you try to defend yourself (while simultaneously trying to stomp down a panic attack), you’re wring. You’re just always all wrong.
Which is what led me to the crisis chat at 2:00 this morning, my brain the sort of swirling cosmic chaos that makes lovely depictions of nebulae but very difficult to form coherent sentences, especially when I’m crying too much to see the keyboard or screen.
It was really helpful. suicidepreventionlifeline.org. There’s a link to calming sounds to listen to while you wait for a counselor. (I didn’t wait long and I only had to wait at all because I honestly was not likely to hurt myself. I didn’t mind yielding to a caller (chatter?) who was in greater danger.) I let the waves crash in the background throughout the whole chat and while I slept after.
If you can’t talk, can’t get the words ordered enough to speak them, there’s chat and text options. I came away thinking that, for maybe the first time ever, someone really listened to me and acknowledged what I was saying and offered more than “take deep breaths and calm down” advice.
Side note: I do not recommend panicky hyperventilating while wearing a covid mask. Something else I learned yesterday.
I even attempted an errand today. That was an epic fail. But I tried. I put on clothes and left my house and dealt with crazy-a$$ traffic including an 18-wheeler backing into a warehouse loading bay that obviously wasn’t meant to hold anything larger than a 10-foot U-Haul. Yes, I’m back home on my couch in a just barely tolerable nightgown, but I tried.
I have a fun combo of mild dehydration from last night’s crying marathon, swollen eyes from same, swollen eyes from allergies, allergy sinus headache, and migraine. And I can’t breathe through my nose at all, which is fine because I’ve had recurring nosebleed for the last 24 hours.
And the coworker who was out for a week with stomach bug and out with sprained ankle before that and there was a broken foot thing in there somewhere — she tested positive for covid yesterday.
Thank God for boosters.
Update:
I’m better. I napped for a bit. It was very light sleep even by my standards, but I felt better when I awoke. My sinuses gradually cleared which eased the headache.
I told myself I should go on and mow the front yard (it’s been at least three weeks, maybe four, and there’s plenty of new clover in the back for the bees) and I got up and mowed. Is there an astonished emoji? 😱🤯😮😲 Yeah, none of those convey the right tone. Anyway, it was cool and I really surprised myself by actually doing it especially without a lot of procrastination.
I also did the dishes.
I ate veggies for supper. Okay, the were roasted with potatoes in a fair amount of butter. But it was broccoli and green beans and carrots, so I’m calling it healthy. Vitamins and whatnot.
I even did my nails. I’m not sure the last time I painted then. Tonight is Alcatraz Rocks, a very pretty deep grape-grey textured polish from OPI’s Liquid Sand line (not a paid endorsement). Given my current sensory issues you’d think turning my nails into actual sandpaper would be bad, but no.
Full disclosure: I’m typing this update while I wait for them to dry. I’m at the “it feels dry and doesn’t smear when you touch it but it’s not safe to do fancy activities like going to the bathroom or holding a pen” stage. Hang on. Let me take a pic (because why not?).
Okay, it’s a bit messy. But it’s pretty and I feel fancy, and considering the other feels I’ve had the last few days, fancy is just grand.
Dammit, I really do need to pee.
Goodnight. May you sleep well and wake feeling somewhat refreshed and maybe even able to face another day.
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