I'm home with wee demon today. I normally have Thanksgiving with my immediate family, but they decided to eat at my aunt and uncle's up on the border. I love my aunt and uncle; they're kind peoples who open their doors to anyone who wants to com in from the cold. Which is also why I can't spend hours at their home -- because it's loud disorganized chaos.
So if you're home alone today for whatever reason, or if you're reading this at the big family gathering because you reached your small talk or people interaction limit and since this all words you can maybe pass it off as school/work-related: Welcome, we will celebrate alone together!
This is not my first non-participation holiday. Not to brag, but I am an old hand at this. Holidays as a child were always full of drunken loud arguments (thanks, dad), waiting for at least one more part of the family to arrive including people we didn't realize we even coming, everyone increasingly crammed into one room because everything was done as a group so even conversations seemed more like one person gives a presentation to everyone on their year-to-date and then someone else speaks etc etc.
So one of the first boundaries I ever set was no Christmas with the extended family. It's been about 25 years and I still get the occasional pushback, but I decided that Christmas is supposed to be a time of peace and calm and since my family can't function that way I can't be with them.
And they can't be with me.
So first, remember that boundaries are okay. Yes, someone might say you're a selfish brat sulking because you can't have everything your way. That's what boundaries are to some people, and also show exactly why you need them. You are not the bad guy here.
I have a plan or backup plan for the holiday.
Oop, I should have opened with that. If you're on your own today but didn't plan on that, go check your fridge and pantry right now. It's still a holiday. You need more than the last browning wilted lettuce and a can of soup you bought for the food drive at work but forgot to take in. Hopefully you're reading this early enough to go to the store. It'll be a nightmare, so do your best to avoid aisles with gravy, dressing, rolls (remember they're in the bakery and frozen foods, except they're sold out so it's just frustrated people speed pacing back and forth looking for something they'll never find), frozen veggies, canned veggies, fresh produce especially of the root kind, pies (see note about rolls), baking (just stay out of that whole aisle) milk, butter, and beer.
So figure out what you want for a special holiday meal -- and remember you only have to suit your taste -- trying to avoid the really dangerous areas of the store. Let's be honest -- you are not getting even just a few if the traditional Thanksgiving meal items. So think about what your favorite foods are, the birthday dinner you would ask for if you didn't have to plan around your dad's diabetes and your sister's fad diet du jour. Steak? Or vegan chow mein? With boxed mac 'n cheese because while you can appreciate a good casserole mac 'n cheese bake you actually like the boxed orange powder too? Or maybe frozen pizza bites as a side dish? And get the flavor you like not just pepperoni to suit eveybody else. Try to grab a fresh bag of salad or even an actual head of lettuce. I know I said you must avoid the produce areas, but you need a veggie, especially if this is your first holiday on your own because you will get at least a little maudlin (and angry and smug) and cry a bit and you really need to keep up your strength. A bunch of grapes or an apple or a pear or guava or what have you is also cool. Just get a d^mn vitamin in you.
I know I said you can have the special celebration meal you've always wanted to ask for, but avoid alcohol if you're new to this. For the same reason you should get produce. If this isn't your first holiday alone, be honest with yourself. Don't drink an entire bottle of wine or 6-pack of hard ciders or whatever if you're likely to get depressed. This is a celebration and the whole point is we want to be happy and not let someone ruin the day. Not even ourselves.
So plan your meal. You might have to make a few substitutions based on what your grocery carries and how much you can spend. That's okay, too. Remember Charlie Brown's great Thanksgiving of popcorn, pretzels, and buttered toast. It doesn't gave to be fancy as long as it's things you like and can afford. (You have more options if you know in advance you'll be alone. I used a BOGO reward for two chicken finger meals yesterday so I have the leftovers as the main dish tonight.) Map out -- mentally or physically, whatever you need to do -- the items in your grocery. You are planning a military strike. Accept that you will be in a checkout line for at least 30 minutes so you need this rest of the trip to be as quick as possible.
Because contrary to what others may say you do have a reason to rush home. You.
Okay, even I'm cringing at the corniness of this. But today is all about family and loved ones and togetherness, so we are going against some deeply ingrained ideas of "normal" by being alone. We really do need the positivity and affirmations. This is not a sitcom where the protagonist is going to he alone for Thanksgiving (work, snowstorm, can't afford plane ticket) and they're miserable but at the end they have an impromptu potluck with other tenants in the building or their family had planned a surprise visit or even they just tell their boss they'll finish the big project over the weekend but they're spending Thanksgiving with family.
Like I said, not my first rodeo, but I need reminding that this is okay. I'm writing this for me as much as for you.
And now that you're provisioned, you need to get through the day. Again, it's easier if you know in advance and can plan, and it gets easier the more often you're alone on a holiday. But at first it's a lot like April 2020. You we're suddenly home all day every day and you had all of this time to do everything you always wanted to but . . . well, what do you do? You made it through the doldrums of lockdown; this is only 1-4 days (you might be flapping loose in the wind like this through Sunday). It's okay to slump in front of the tv all day(s). Altho you might want to do, or at least start, some chore like putting away summer / getting out winter clothes and sorting items for charity shop donation. Or even just doing all of the laundry.
You will probably be grilled about what you did alone for the holiday like it's so much different than spending any other weekend at home. You can get defensive or you can make it clear, maybe with an airy hand gesture, that really used this quality time to accomplish something like they're the mugs for wasting time on an hours-long meal and family activities. If you're trying to pull off airy but feel defensive, I find it helps to sing "F^ck you f^ck you f^ck you f^ck you," while I explain how it's so much easier to clean and rearrange furniture to make room for the Christmas tree when I have time and no people constantly in the way, and then I had time to just chill and enjoy myself before all of the Christmas madness starts.
And of course you do not have to tell people anything. You do not have to respond at all.
I really meant for this to be just a few quick tips and kind words for anyone alone today. But it got a bit longer than planned. And I'm sure I forgot things when I got bogged down in the grocery paragraphs.
(Sorry. I really didn't expect that to get so long but I couldn't see what to cut. Which is why professional writers have editors. Or should. There are some authors I read and I have to wonder what editor okayed this. And now I'm one of those authors.)
I don't know why you're not doing the traditional big family thing today, why you're home alone. But you aren't alone. And you don't gave to feel alone, because that's really the problem.
There are people who accept (even if their family won't) that the big loud chaotic family doesn't work for them, that it's as bad for their mental health as secondhand smoke is for their lungs. There are people who were dragged into the family traditions today and are huddled inside themselves screaming silently and more alone than if they were the sole survivor shipwrecked on a deserted island. And there are thousands of other stories in between.
Whatever your story, if the loneliness gets too much any day, please reach out. There are people who will reach back. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. There's a chat option if you don't think you can speak (I've used that because there are things I can type that I don't think I could ever say). Anyone needing emotional support can call/chat, so don't deny yourself this option just because you aren't thinking really dark thoughts when you hold a knife.
Yes, even today, there are people voluntarily talking to people who need help. It's okay to call them. You're not a bother.
p.s. It's not too early to think about the December holidays. Are you likely to be on your own again? The Hanukkah-Christmas-Kwanza-New Year's weeks are some hardcore family togetherness traditions that can steamroll you. Start planning now. What groceries, books, movies, other activities do you need? If you work in an office, the actual week of Christmas and week between Christmas and New Year's can be surprisingly productive -- once everyone else has taken the off. Plus you look keen for staying on. And you can just shrug at problems because it's Christmas and that's really Bob's area and Bob won't be back until January 2nd, in fact the whole office -- including whoever handles complaints -- is more or less empty until after New Year's. None of that is true for anyone working in the service industry, tho, so get your leave request submitted asap.
And then in January when everyone shares their whole family had the flu / cancelled flights / pro-choice pro-life fight over Christmas dinner stories, you can tell them how you truly experienced and understood "peace on earth and goodwill to men" (because you didn't have to deal with f^ckers like them).
And maybe someday we'll see the sitcom character's family unable to make a surprise visit because of the snowstorm or the sitcom character can't join the residents' potluck because the boss says the finished project had to be emailed (with follow-up zoom meeting) by 10:00 am on Friday. Hopefully the sitcom character meets the deadline, maybe even gets a bonus which according to sitcoms is something employees sometimes receive, and then spends the weekend updating their resume and looking for a new family-friendly job.
But the Thanksgiving alone with leftover pizza and microwave popcorn will be one of the "normal" options.
p.p.s. Ohemgeee I do not want to edit this. I'm posting it as-is. If (When) you find a typo, well, proofreading is really Bob's job. He's off until after the holiday. You can email your complaint and someone should get back to you once the office is back to normal.
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