So this is one of those posts of me writing to work through some shit. I need to get some crazy out of me and unfortunately this is the best place for me to dump it.
I had friends over this weekend. We did an art thing Friday night -- which was a bfd (big f^cking deal) for at least two of us who are borderline agoraphobic antisocial hermits. We had fun. Really, it was a good evening out and gives me hope that I can, not escape this anxiety but maybe at least have the occasional day pass away from it.
We watched movies and played games and ate and ate on Saturday. There was a terribly frustrating escape room type puzzle game, but we all knew and agreed it was shit so even that was fun in its way, tho not as much as other activities. We even set up a table and chairs and citronella torches to play out on the new deck which is when it started to rain.
Then they (well, a spokesperson) asked what if some friends wanted to pool together to buy me a new smart tv for Christmas. Or maybe replace the living room ceiling fan and install it. And of course I said it was sweet but unnecessary and, well that I wouldn't turn down a free tv but please no really.
Because what I thought was: I wouldn't turn down a free tv or new working fan with all of its blades, but, well, I would want to. For multiple weird and crazy messed up reasons that I couldn't articulate on the spot.
My brain spent the rest of the night and Sunday morning and Sunday afternoon as they one by one left cataloging the reasons abd now it's getting into Sunday late afternoon/early evening and it's just me and the wee demon and a tremendous sob just erupted and I'm crying and crying and telling myself to stop being crazy which is a tiny bit bett coming from myself than someone else but only a tiny bit and --
So my reasons.
The altruistic reason that makes me seem selfless. One of these friends sold her house and bought a new house with a guy and that recently ended and she's reeling dealing with that shitstorm and just moved into a small apartment and guy had talked her into getting a pair of huskies which she can't keep now and she put a lot of money into improvements for the house that they're selling and I really really hope her name is on the deed etc because I do not like the guy and do not trust him to divide the sale proceeds. And all of them are younger than me so went to college, grad school, med school when dodgy student loans were the only financial aid. They probably all make more than me (because hello librarian salary here), but they have plenty of financial struggles and shouldn't be buying me things they struggle to afford for themselves.
The practical reason. I had to arrange books and framed photos on my mom's entertainment center the brief time we stayed with her when my furnace died and tried to take me with it. Torii got behind mom's tv (which is not a huge old weighty box like mine) and tried to gnaw it climb it like she does with my desktop mac. That mac is waaaay heavier and sturdier than new tvs and she's nearly toppled it. So a new tv with roku built in is a mixed yay at best. I'm really afraid Torii will injure or kill herself. I know I'd keep my big ol' box even tho I don't have room because I know at some point an easily toppled tv will topple.
The design reason. It goes against every frugal, buy on sale only, reuse until there's nothing left fiber in me to say no to a free fan. But I cannot bear thinking about someone else picking it out. I don't like these fans that were in the house when I bought it. They absolutely are not the style I'd choose. The only things I can say in their favor are: all four, while not the same, go together stylistically, and there are worse fans. Someone buying one for the living room dooms me to match that style when I can finally do the project myself.
The full on crazy panic attack reason. Replacing the four current ceiling fans and adding a fifth in my room is on my list. It wasn't at the top of the list, but only because there are not many electrician options here. I've been thinking more about new fans since I found the deck contractor also does electrical. Of course, I can't do anything now because of the new roof, deck, and paint (coming soon I hope). But I was thinking maybe in a few years when the mortgage is paid off and I only have the pesky home equity loan and a car loan (no way my Zoe is lasting another eight years) . . . Anyway, it's on my list. And this is where it gets crazy. Having someone else do it for me -- it's just suddenly another thing I have no control over in my life, a reminder that I am a failure, that the world may or may not be better off without me but I am certainly better off without the world.
Which is when the panic attacked.
Now how do I explain all of this to three well-intentioned friends?
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