Waiting for the storms to pass

The top I'm wearing -- one of my faves -- is definitely less tight than it's been for the last year. So yay! I've lost maybe an inch off of my spare tire. Or at least one seam is about erupt.

The Wee Demon brought a bug into the bathroom to play with while I showered. I think it was at least still a little bit alive. She finally gulped it down when I brushed my teeth. I never got a clear view of it -- she gets cagey and shields her "toys" (bugs, old pasta from under the fridge, etc) from me because she knows I'll throw them away -- but I'm betting it was a stink bug. I guess I'll know if I get home and that toxic cat little gas hits me.

I realize neither of these paragraphs is terribly interesting. Yesterday was a very rough day. I didn't sleep well. I concentrated on my deep breathing and guided meditation for relaxation and I'd realize I was all tensed up because my mind had wandered back into a bad place. I woke myself up several times because I was so tense. I tell myself stories, little vignettes to help me fall asleep, but I couldn't form even one simple narrative in my head.

You know when you're sick, and you've felt like absolute hell for some time, you start wishing you'd just vomit and be done? You know how awful puking will be, but you know you aren't getting better until you do it and really actually puking won't be nearly as bad as this endless need-to-puke feeling?

Lately that's how I've felt emotionally/psychologically. I'm tired of waiting for this horrible panic attack that's been building and building. I want to just have it and deal with it and move on. Except that I know anxiety doesn't work like tummy troubles. If/When I go down, well, there's no knowing how bad it will be or how long I'll be in a bad place.

Or if I'll ever escape.

Oh, I know logically I have pulled myself out of bad places before. But once I'm down it's so hard to believe that I'll ever get out again. This time is the one that breaks me.

So holding on to any tiny positive thought I can to hold off the panic. (Tomorrow it's getting up to 50F :) but raining :( and then really strong cold winds will move in turning the rain to snow and freezing everything :( and the stink bugs will all die again :) :) :)!) And focusing on my cat's butt stank because nothing else can keep me in the moment and out of my hurricane of thoughts.