No, it really isn't. The best argument against Flat Earth Society, etc., is a meme I saw awhile ago. Something like: If the Earth were flat a cat would would knock things off the edge. Normally I'd find the meme and link it, but it's just not that kind of day.
So the Earth isn't flat, but I am. After a couple of bad crying bouts the other night/morning, I'm trying to stay that way. Trying to stay flat. Dull. Incapable of feeling. Incapable of being hurt by feelings.
I decided after much, well I'll just say after much muchness, my friends and I have drifted apart. I went through a deep well of self-doubt about how we never were as close as I thought yadda yadda. (Hence the crying.) I settled on drifting apart and came out . . . okay. Drifting apart is a thing. It happens. It's not a "because of" or a "fault" thing. It just is. Which left me flat yesterday and that's where I want to stay, at least for now, until maybe it hurts less.
Even with the acceptance and the flat, I thought, "I won't make a plan as long as I have Torii." It stopped me. Just stopped me dead (pardon the expression) as I was making breakfast yesterday. I don't know where it came from. I didn't know that any part of me had started down that path, was even looking down it, even glancing in that direction. It scared me.
I scared me.
I thought about trying to find a hotline that I could chat with rather than call. That has to be a thing, right? Because I feel more silent than before. I
I have to stop. The tears are welling. I have to stay flat, at least for now.
I did something probably very ill-advised. I know depression lies. I know making decisions while at least part of my brain is actively lying to me is just a very bad idea. But I did it anyway. I removed myself from my friends' Facebook secret clubhouse (it's a group so don't go looking for secret clubhouse option). Did a Friends purge while I was on Facebook anyway. Signed out of shared password streaming services.
And I'm done.
p.s. And one of those friends messaged today. She is planning to visit next week. I'm staying flat, for now. No excitement, no disappointment; no looking forward so no tears.
p.p.s. I know I promised cards & letters so you know I'm ok, or just surviving. Breathing, at the very least. I don't know that I'll be up for much posting. Certainly nothing witty and brilliant like May the Fourth again or even More Random than Usual. Instead I may post some short stories. So don't assume the worst if that's all you see. I won't schedule them in advance. So whatever you see is posted live. And hopefully you'll enjoy my stories.
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