I don't suffer from season affective disorder, but if I did summer would be my danger season. The season when I lose energy, feel listless, lose interest in more or less everything. The season when I hide the knives from myself.
July is the worst month. July is a struggle. July is too-bright lights and razor edges.
If July is the problem, then September is the cure. The natural shadows return to the world and I'm not pinned in place by a sun sharper than any mounting pin in a butterfly and I can f#cking breathe again. And I want to breathe again.
But I don't suffer from SAD. I don't have depression. My anxiety is at least somewhat situational so weather doesn't regulate the attacks.
I will always prefer September to July.
Kentucky usually has elongated summers and winters. Spring and autumn just pop in for a quick visit on their way to better ordered climates. Which is a shame. I'd love it if together September and October were at least 100 days.
But I lost September to anxiety this year. To financial worries and contractor frenzy. I lost control over what feels like 96% maybe 97% of my life. No, I didn't lose it; it was taken from me. Control and September. Stolen.
Well, I want October as compensation. No more soul-eating worries. No more unrealistic demands.
It's 3:00 am on September 30. I've nearly drained my phone battery playing one positive affirmations guided sleep meditation after another. This is not the first time. It's become normal to be at 39% battery by 3:00 am.
Continued at 6:42 pm.
Well, I made it through the night and another day at work. I coerced myself into changing the furnace filter this evening so I could have all of Sunday to recover.
I cried yesterday. Not a lot, but more than I should have on a relatively peaceful day off.
Except it wasn't peaceful; I called the bank's customer service -- after fighting with and regularly being kicked out of the online banking. I have not had good experience with calling this bank's customer service. I've only called twice and bith calls were disasters that could be used in the what not to do customer service training manual.
I guess I feel a little reassured that I have not effed it all up, but only because I decided the customer service rep -- whose name I do not remember but who had a masculine voice so I'll call him Bob -- was one hundred percent not answering the questions I asked. Bob was lecturing on what he personally knows about loans in general. Some things he said definitely contradict what the loan agent said / I read in the loan paperwork. Bob made it clear that I was a moron who probably has effec up everything. And since I can discount, or at least take with a very large grain of salt, everything Bob said, well, I guess I'm okay.
Unfortunately Bob did confirm, at my request, that the loan payment is set up with autopay. So I'll be worrying about a non-payment notice because I'm relying on autopay.
I haven't cried today. Yet. I assumed the whole furnace filter thing would lead to another breakdown, but it went surprisingly well. I did surprisingly well.
I believe I have earned my low-key, pleasant October. Autumn weather (as shown on tv, not real Kentucky autumn), some simple good times with friends, limited stress, and absolutely no more disasters. No new medical drama. No more unplanned home repairs or unexpected appliance meltdowns. No additions to the financial struggles -- and if a couple of those financial burdens could just f%ck that would be swell.
Just under five hours until October 1st. I'm here with Torii and Uley. We're ready.
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