sorry i’ve been away. i haven’t actually gone anywhere; i just haven’t come here to write. i’m slogging through the days, each a chore in it’s own way. i don’t want to bring that nastiness here and so into your lives. and i just haven’t had anything to write. i get a good (well, i think it’s good at the time) sentence in my head, but that’s all. and i can’t even remember them a few minutes later, because believe me i considered making a post of stray sentences since i have nothing else.
the world isn’t overly bright. so don’t worry about me that way.
(if you’re new to this blog: when i plummet into terrible in need of immediate crisis intervention help, my world seems too bright. i know most depressions you hear described by their relative darkness. but for me it’s brittle too-sharp light. i’m not up to finding and linking to old posts. please feel free to scroll back if you’re interested. focus on summer months. sorry i’m not more helpful at this time.)
this is burnout renting a cabin for the summer (with option to stay on through fall and winter) and inviting all its friends — anxiety, depression, anger, twitchiness, irritability, exhaustion, etc. they can’t all stay all summer. instead they come when they can and stay as long as they can. some days it’s all roasted marshmallows and snipe hunts; other times it’s pity pool parties.
i’m just trying to slog (did i already use slog? damn, it can be just the perfect word at times) through. no big decisions. hell, as few minor decisions as i can get by with. definitely cutting myself off when i get too introspective because i’m really likely to misread misinterpret misunderstand.
the various gremlins in my brain run a daily powerpoint of moments from my last interactions with friends to prove how i’m a loser and they all hate me. i’m staying as flat (?), noncommittal (?) as possible. basically eyes glazing over and mind gadflying about just like when forced to endure a real slideshow. if i listen, if i pay attention i’ll believe.
i think i just proved how my mind during a mental illness downturn becomes an evil pyramid marketing scam. and i wish i could really work that, play fun with it, just create a whole dry-wry blog on that.
but i don’t have it in me right now. and if i try to come back to that idea and this post in a few weeks or months, i’ll probably just wonder if there was a small but insidious gas leak in my house or i somehow got a package of coffee that had been tainted with belladonna.
another lovely theme for someone with better writing skills than i-can-string-eight-to-forty-words-together-then-a-period, which is the best i can do for now.
in conclusion: don’t worry too much if i’m not here when you drop by. i’m somewhere. i promise. and i promise, too, that i will be back. hopefully without the mental health equivalent of $400 of essential oils and leggings.
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