In that order:
1. the Good
I didn’t have to play phone tag for a week in the continuing drama of my left foot. I missed a call from Bill at the foot MRI office. And he picked up when I called him back. So I’m getting an MRI tomorrow morning to see how effed up my achilles tendon is. yay! I have to pay $200 up front tomorrow morning. Less good but I’ve reached a weird zen state about my rampaging credit card balance. I just don’t f^cking care. I don’t expect this attitude to last, but it’s nice to shove that stress to the farthest back burner for a bit.
2. the Bad
I met with the director today. Oh, it wasn’t a bad meeting in that there was no yelling or insulting or firing. It was bad in that we’re stuck in this status quo. You know, the one that’s burnt me to a cinder, that’s just a Hitchcockian spiral staircase of dread and exhaustion and anxiety. Yeah. That’s where we’re mired.
The director says she wants to help but she just doesn’t see what she can do. And I believe that’s 100% true. Because what we really need is to quit trying “to get back to normal” and reevaluate how we do it all. And she can’t see that. And I understand. I’m asking her to erase all her memories of the library‘s staffing and organization and procedures and reinvent it from step one. And that’s a crazy lot to ask of anyone.
She also said she’s afraid to say anything to me at this point because she doesn’t want to upset me and doesn’t know what will upset me. And that’s not good.
We ended with both of us agreeing to work on our communication. And tho that isn’t what I wanted and I don’t think will help enough to make this commute worthwhile, improved communication is always something.
I’m trying so damned hard to get a positive out of this.
Also in the Bad, I have poison ivy rash on my right ankle and shin. The gardening sleeves I got really protected my arms. Again. But I had on capris when I weeded the other day . . .
3. the Sparkly (aka the only thing keeping from melting into a pool of tears today)
My crownlet arrived.
It occurred to me that the word is coronet. Yes, my hair is rather a mess. Yes, I forgot to put on eyeliner today, which is just as well given point 2.
The coronet is heavier than I expected. I may wear it long enough for obligatory “we’re at the renfaire” photos. We’ll see.
I’m . . .
I don’t know. I feel like I’m slowly improving. I’m facing and addressing things I’ve hidden from for so long. I want to hold on to that hope that I can get better.
But today leaves me questioning why bother? I can learn to handle to stress, even the stress of people up in my face. But why? If I cope, then they’ll just dump more on me until I can’t cope anymore. I’m too tired to play this game. And I’m really tired of it being just a game.
Oh, I have a bonus category: the Just Plain Huh
I called the city water company first thing this morning. They wanted to know if anyone actually lived in my house. It turns out my meter showed really low usage which triggered something in their system to find out if the property was abandoned. When she looked into it, the woman I talked to saw the usage was zero. So we agreed that probably my meter wad broken and she put in the work order to replace it.
I imagined so many possible and outright nuts scenarios when I heard that message. But I never considered this.
I’d love to wrap this up by somehow tying the weird water company thing and crazy what ifs to the Good, Bad, and Sparkly. Especially if we leave on a wobbly unsteady tentative hope.
Let’s just pretend that’s exactly what I did.
Comments