skipping class, but like an adult

Did I post last week or was it the week before? Whichever, I'm still determined to not just fill this space listing every negative thing in my life.

I managed to keep the anxiety from completely overwhelming me. I looked into things. Made some plans -- most of which have involved waiting for other people to get back to me which is definitely not helpful for keeping the anxiety in check. But I held on.

Mostly because I stayed in denial about how bad things really were.

Yesterday was facing the harshest realities of the situation.

Okay, I know I said no litany of negativity, but I think I've gone too far. So the situation is: the new insurance company inspector noted three areas for immediate repair or I lose my home insurance. I figured out costs based on moderate repairs while waiting on contractors to contact me just to schedule a looky-loo for an estimate. I finally met with two contractors for the first project: the roof.

Yes, I know hiring one company with many different skilled workers to do all three projects would probably be quicker, easier, and cheaper. But it definitely is not easier because none of those companies ever responded, not even a generic "we got your request and someone will call you someday" reply. So yesterday was two roofers who just do roofs, but who do respond to people maybe interested in hiring them and who show up on time for scheduled meetings so, yeah, this is the route I'm using.

The roof repair is not in the moderate range I convinced myself of. It's in the whole entire new roof range.

So yesterday was intermittent sobbing with a flood of texts to bestie. Because I had to tell someone and make lame attempts at sarcastic humor or drive into the Grand Canyon. And clearly I can't afford the gas to Arizona.

So yay to bestie for keeping from going totally fetal/comatose. She got me to a point where I can kinda start coping.

Which brings us to today. Saturday. I called in sick to work <cough cough achoo> so I can meet with a loan officer. Because I could pay for one (the cheapest) project on my own, but I'm now facing a reality of about $14,000 for all of the required repairs.

I actually said I hurt my back with yard work yesterday and can't drive. Which is true. I pulled something, altho it's the same something I pull every d*mn weekend. I can't or at least shouldn't drive because I slept very little and my dreams were all stress and I'm an emotional female which means I'm incapable of functioning at all without a man.

rantrantrantrantrantrant

So, yeah, basically I skipped so I could:

a) be upset

b) nap

c) be an adult.

update: I spent what felt like the whole day with loan officer Germaine (it was about an hour) and she was super helpful and sympathetic and I know that's her job but I'm not falling apart anymore so she's obviously good at her job. I applied for a home equity line of credit -- which is a very scary collection of adult words. But I will be able to consolidate the furnace loan and hospital payments into it and pay for all of the required repairs and then I just have to worry about losing my home if I get behind on the payments.

And that's it. I'm hiding in my home for the rest of the weekend. I will start over Monday morning.

p.s. This past Tuesday we started with angry shouty patron first thing and then had a series of unreasonably impatient patrons pacing snd muttering. Wednesday was "Everything's Broken" day. These are the rants I didn't post.

p.p.s. Okay, one quickie rant. The director took down the plexiglass shields at the circ desk. She came back and talked to me, asked if I wanted to keep the one dividing my desk from Stacy's (uh, yes) and generally made sure I was informed and cool with it. Which I appreciated. And really I'm surprised she's kept them up this long.

And every day someone comments about the shields finally coming down and now they can see us and blah blah blah.

The shields did create sound sound muffling which was a problem for patrons with hearing issues and those for whom English is the second or third language -- especially when combined with the masks. It was a problem.

But the shields are clear plexiglas with no frame. Even the stands are clear. CLEAR. They inhibit sight absolutely not the tiniest bit. So when people tell me how difficult they found the shields, I hear them saying they are just truly confounded by windows. And at some point I am going to snap and ask someone, "So you're telling me you don't understand how windows work?"

CLEAR.