Warning: I lost control and f this post. This whole day, actually. Whatever I planned to do here, well, this is something else. And of course it all totally made sense in my head.
It’s finally Friday, my day off, and I wanted to do was hide inside, no people, just the wee demon (cat) and Uley (5’ posable skeleton / out of work barrow wight). But it’s grocery day and the front yard really really needed mowing and I had an appointment for my covid booster.
I should have gone with my gut. It wad definitely not a good day for me to try to function around people.
I don’t know what the frickety-frack happened at the pharmacy. They sent me appointment reminders almost every day — text and email. I checked in via the text link from the parking lot a couple of minutes before my 10:00 am appointment, went in, then felt weird lurking around the “consultation booth” so I told the tech at the counter my name and appointment time.
And she said something. She was probably perfectly clear. But it was some instruction — other than just wait until your name is called — that my brain deleted as she spoke the syllables. Definitely a written step-by-step directions kind of day for me.
I resumed lurking. Waited and waited and waited and waited and felt the panic. I realized I was pacing. I made myself stand still. I checked in again. I said (in my head), “eff this,” and left.
You know the movie chase trope where all of the random cars and people and racks of glass panes and barrels of beer suddenly appear and get in the hero’s way? That’s what leaving the pharmacy felt like. Every store employee must have been working and they were all pushing carts to stock and carrying items from one end of the store to the other and going in and out of the clinic doors. I’d get no more than a few steps and bam! someone was suddenly in my path. I got out, hyperventilating into my mask, couldn’t find my covid card and was sure it fell out of my purse while I was dodging defense to the end zone, went back in staring at the floor, found my card in my purse, went out again. And sat in my car crying until I became paranoid that some assistant manager was watching me on security camera. And was almost in an accident with a car coming in the exit.
I recited my grocery list over and over in my head to keep me calm enough to shop. If I passed up something, I didn’t go back for it. I got enough food, mostly meat, to last at least two weeks. Mowed the yard as soon as I got home.
And through it all thought things like:
next time I trip I won’t try to catch myself so maybe I’ll break a leg and I can legit use some sick leave from work
I can’t breathe the panic attack is morphing into a heart attack (I was pushing the mower up a steep hill at the time)
at least Uley doesn’t think I’m crazy
I am crazy and so is Uley if he thinks I’m okay
I feel guilty for wasting my “no humans allowed” free time taking a nap
The first one worried me. A lot. But I analyzed the h^ll out of myself in the shower and decided I really wasn’t considering self-harm. The last one struck me as the worst. Do I really want / need to stay awake from the time I get home Thursday night until I leave for work Saturday morning? To just sit and stare and thus savor(?) every second I’m not dealing with people?
At 8:45 pm the pharmacy texted:
Due to unforeseen circumstances, we’ve had to cancel your appointment(s).
So no matter how crazy I get or what sort of totally whack illogical thoughts I have, this major national pharmacy chain is right there with me.
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