I say that. And now I'll type mostly many many many paragraphs about not knowing what to say. What can I say? It's a gift.
So Hallowe'en was a thing, usually one of my fave things, the thing I look forward to more than anything else all year long. But this year it was just . . . a day.
I took a vacation day Saturday, October 30, so I had a long weekend free. I went up to Ashland to visit Bestie. And Bestie's new pup, Sunny. Sunny is such a puppy. So happy and excited and pees when she's excited and everything excites her. Bestie's cat puts Sunny in her place every so often, which is good.
And Bestie and Bestie's guy, Brent, and I carved pumpkins. Brent has his talents and pumpkin carving, or rather scraping, is definitely one of them. He did this whole sunburst behind a bird with spread wings. It was gorgeous. Then Bestie and I put on our costumes and we all ate take-out Chinese. It was a fun visit. And then I drove home on the 31st because I had to work on Monday.
And probably the last I'll do until spring because I can't even begin to explain their house and the hillside it's on and how dangerous the roads and the driveway (!) feel if there's even a bit of rain so snow and slush and ice are just a huge Nope.
Hopefully Bestie can visit me once Sunny graduates from puppy school. Or Bestie and Sunny can visit, altho I'm not sure how Sunny will do with such a long car ride. But we'll work out something.
It was a fun trip and all, but even with the pumpkins and costumes it didn't really feel any different from our usual visits.
Also, my aunt died. She died way back on October 22, which I may or may not have mentioned at the time. And for reasons never explained, her funeral was November 8. Which was a Monday. In South Carolina. So I took off another Saturday and the day of the funeral of course. Because Marilyn was less than two years older than my mom and they were always super close. Oh, they probably drifted apart in their twenties and thirties what with getting married and having kids and living in different states -- way back when air travel was a luxury, a super special honkin' deal, and long-distance calls were incredibly expensive. But then my mom divorced and Marilyn was widowed and they were BFFs again, despite the distance. So I tagged along to SC. And my mom is okay and then she's not so much and then she's okay again at least for awhile.
So that's what I've been doing. And as for what I've been feeling . . .
Pretty much every damn thing. I've dealt with most of it by being very very annoyed with most of my relatives. And being so glad to be home again. And focusing on the wee demon's purrs. (She was miffed with my first weekend away, then distraught after the second.)
I'm back at work. Obviously I'd rather be home, locked in, preferably with a full fridge but I haven't had a chance to really grocery shop since I got back late latelatelatelate Monday night. Okay, it was 8:00 pm, but what with the 7+ hour drive (I didn't drive but I was trapped in the middle row of my sister-in-law's soccer mom van) and the lack of sleep and the time change (just one more reason to despise that whole Daylight Savings nonsense), it felt like some surreal uncharted time beyond 4:00 am but before dawn. Anyway, if I can't be home and comfy and cuddling my demon, I'd rather be here at work.
That's what I've learned from this family reunion: I like my coworkers even more than my family. I mean, in general. Maybe because I can get away from them at the end of the day. Or just because I know I can get away from them. Whereas my family react to any attempt at flight by trying to tie the escapee down even tighter.
Oh, and there's a whole thing with my niece on one side and my brother and sister-in-law on the other about my niece sneaking food and lying about it and her weight and gah! And I grew with a mother and grandmother who, no matter what I weighed, made it clear I was fat. So I worry about my niece caught in the weight-obsession death spiral. And I agree she shouldn't sneak food, shouldn't lie about food. And I worry my brother and sister-in-law have unintentionally created this disapproving reality where she feels she has to lie. And I can't express any of it to any of them because I truly don't know how. I just don't know the words. So I'm just praying her therapist will know what to say, will get Joe and Jamie (on the one side) to ease up on the scale and the BMI numbers and get my niece (on the other side) to practice eating healthy when she's hungry and walking away from the table (metaphorically) once she's full.
Contrary to popular belief and all of those after-school specials of the 80s and 90s, body image issues and eating disorders start at home, not with the mean girls at school. Oh, the peer pressure and bullying play their part, but they can only effect someone already feeling unloved for their size and ashamed for getting hungry.
And I can organize my thoughts in writing, more or less. But I know it would just be a jumbled mess confusing everyone equally if I tried to say it. I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to articulate what I need to say and irritated with my family for being too impatient and judgmental for me to even try.
So here we are: me typing over 900 words on not knowing what to say. Just as promised.
p.s. Be kind to each other. Please.
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