a post just for me

Sorry if you accidentally stumbled into this post. You are always welcome here. It’s just things are a little effed up right now.

I realized a couple of things over the last few days.

1. I am mad. Angry. Furious. Hulk smash.

2. I hardly ever post anymore.

I explored each tbought and found several subthoughts. I’m not going to continue with the outline organization. Because apps that make it super easy to create numbered lists are the worst at stopping the auto numbering and formatting.

I blame Bill Gates.

I’ve spent a lot of time this week really analyzing my anger. What else is 3:00 am for? And I came to some conclusions. I think most of my anger is valid. But I don’t want to hold on to it, valid or not.

Which brings us to point 2 (about not posting, in case you’ve forgotten and don’t want to scroll up). Posting does give me a place to just dump all of my emotions while I figure out what to do with them. Journaling just to myself in a private notebook — I can’t explain it, but it just doesn’t work for me. Somehow putting it all into words in a blog that no one reads forces me to actually write. Posting keeps me honest.

Yeah, that makes no sense. I know that. I’ve posted about it before. (There’s an outside chance I’ll actually go through to find and link to at least one old post about why posting works for me. If you haven’t seen that link by now then I didn’t do it.)

So why am I angry?

Well, the election for one. I really want to leave. Renounce my citizenship. Apply for a work visa . . . somewhere. Very unlikely I will do that. I could at least get a job in a blue state, most of which are close to the Canadian border. More chance of that happening. But whatever I do and don’t decide, fuming won’t help me.

So that’s the big obvious one. But I’ve come to understand that I am even angrier at work. And this is the anger I truly feel is justified.

<If you’re still reading: the next several paragraphs are just going to be me listing why I’m mad at work. I totally understand if you skip ahead or just leave. Seriously. You will not hurt my feelings.>

She said I’m just circulation.

That’s really the heart of it. When the director and I had our showdowns a few years ago (not even goin’ pretend I’ll look for the posts to link here) she said she just hired me for circulation. It pissed me off then and never stopped.

Because I remember talking a lot about my wide background in and out of libraries. I have lots of experience with spreadsheets and data. And I’ve worked with most of the truly serious publishing software. So yes it was a circ position, but there was more to it from day 1.

A lot of shit has worked its way to my desk since late summer 2018. Way beyond “other duties as assigned.” And I see now that I was never involved in discussions for mobile hotspots or the new website in the prelim planning stages. Because I’m just circ.

I became involved at the someone-needs-to-do-this-and-I-choose-you stage. Now I reconcile the cash register and make bank deposits. And troubleshoot mobile hotspots. (And because of 2-factor authentication blah blah I’m the only one who can do that.) And I organized and wrote copy for all of the databases on the library’s new website when the website company f^cked it up.

This is in addition to running overdue reports and calling patrons to return library stuff, doing the monthly and a big chunk of annual stats, and authoring the monthly program & events calendar. The things I was specifically hired to do.

Both categories, my original duties and all of the specialized additions, take time. They take a hella lot of concentration and precision. They can’t be done during down periods at the circ desk.

My scheduled time at the circ desk has increased at pretty much the rate as my extra duties. So I have more to do in less time when I’m “in the back” (meaning my own desk in the office beyond the public areas).

I have explained when I specifically need more time. Often. And I don’t get it. Because I’m needed at the circ desk. Because I’m just circulation.

Other library staff come to me with questions and problems when the director and the manager (not her official title but it’s what she is) are away. Or in a meeting. Or somewhere in the building as far as we know but no one can find them. Or even when they’re at their desks but I’m just, I don’t know, more convenient I guess. My answer almost always includes a “double check with Debra” or “that’s a Stacy call.”

I’m out of the loop on, well, most everything. There are four people, the director plus the three staff who seem to get new elevated titles and raises every year, who are the loop. There are three part-time employees and one contract employee who probably don’t realize there’s a loop. And me.

All seven of the people above come to me to fix things, clarify things, get things done.

I get whatever base raise the library board grants every year. It was .78% this past sumner. And no that decimal point is not a typo. I’ve added extra very specialized duties, I’m the go-to person for weird shit, and I’m the unofficial third in the chain command. And I got a less than 1% “cost of living” raise in July.

Because I’m just circulation.

So, yeah, I’m effing pissed and I think I have every right to be.

The last (only) time I went to the director asking for help she actually laughed at me. Laughed at my mental illness. Told me taking away some of my circ desk time would be too much of a hardship on the other staff. And besides, I was just hired fir circulation.

Clearly I cannot talk to her, cannot rely her.

I’ve sppken to the manager, noted which days of the month I absolutely need back time specifically for stats in addition to my other regular back tasks. Every time she makes a new circ desk schedule I point out that I don’t have those days for stats. Oh, she misunderstood. And I still don’t get the time.

The current circ desk schedule has an afternoon with two staff and one volunteer. The manager said I could have that afternoon in the back when there are three of us on the desk. I didn’t get that afternoon in September because the manager was on vacation so there were only two of us (the minimum) on circ. The manager was at a conference that promised in October, soI didn’t get the time in the back. Then the volunteer was sick that afternoon in November.

I am not killing myself in December. I am not throwing numbers into spreadsheets and hoping it all looks reasonable at a glance because I don’t have time to double check anything or hunt down errors. My only way to voice my needs that might actually get through is to do job correctly and if it doesn’t get done in time that’s out of my hands.

inhale through nostrils for count of 4

hold for count of 5

slowly release breath through mouth for count of 8

Thank you. I needed so needed to get that out. A black screen (I’m a dark mode girl) and zero readers and I still feel more heard than when I’ve actually talked to management. I have my action plan for December: do my job, do it right, do it well. I’ve clearly used up my ability to write coherent sentences.

And now I just need to find something else to do at 3:00 am since I’m done examining and parsing and micro-analyzing (like micromanaging but you do it to yourself) this anger. I might try sleeping through the night. Too radical?